images and jokes.
Please submit more by adding comments below
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."
God Bless
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Mark's and Spencer. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size colour and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras."
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A man dies and goes to heaven.
Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven
You tell me all the good things you've done,
and I give you a certain number of points for each item,
depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says,
"I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart"
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says.
"Well, I attended church all my life
and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!!"
"I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries.
"At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven
is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"
We often try to fix problems
with WD-40 and duct tape.
God did it with nails
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she wrote to one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Sts Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.
St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to His education?"
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass. "Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but still you have no children?
"Indeed you did, father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
Father replied: "I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great cathedral at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley: "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?"
"Indeed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her. "We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you."
Father replied: "Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr. O’Riley. Is he here?"
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your darn candle."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than! A two- bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, i'll send you to the electric chair."
An old priest was dying. He sent a message for a tax accountant and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the tax accountant and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enchunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail."
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, "I don't understand."
It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.
My Insensitivity Training Continues
I rear ended a car a few days ago.
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!!
He was a little annoyed!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "OK, then which one are you?"
The 4th Sunday of Lent is also known as Laetare Sunday, but many people are unaware of the problems of many people on this Sunday in Lent. Some people especially men experience gastrointestinal upset and skin problems at the site of priests wearing apparently pink vestments. Telling them that these vestments are actually suppose to be Rose colored to rejoice in Christ's redemption to look up and see the first rays of Easter is of no avail. Regardless of any efforts to explain why a Rose is appropriate they still see pink vestments. This condition is known as Laetare Intolerance and the sufferers are Laetare sensitive.
Unto now there was no help for those affected by Laetare Intolerance.
Introducing Vestmints made of pure organically grown herb mentha. Mint was originally used as a medicinal herb to treat stomach ache and nothing could be better for those who get queasy over apparently pink vestments. Laetare Intolerance does not have to change affect your active participation in the Mass, but you will be able to pray actively with the best of them.
Just take one tablet before the hour fast before Mass and you will not have any of those annoying feelings. You will soon "O be joyful" just as Laetare originally means.
Vestmints does not work for everybody in all situation without additional help. Some vestments worn are so pink that you think instantly of Pepto Bismal and wish you had some for your queasy stomach. That is why each bottle of Vestmints includes a coupon for a free set of Rose colored glasses. The use of Rose colored glasses with Vestmints is highly effective in these situations that otherwise could result in pink eye.
Even better news is that those who suffer with Laetare Intolerance also often suffer from Gaudette Intolerance on the third Sunday of Advent and Vestmints has been proven to work on both Sundays. Thus killing two Sundays with one pill.
Vestmints can also be used for other severe vestment allergic reactions such as to rainbow stoles, vestments out of the seventies, or ones approved by Archbishop Piero Marini.
Remember though to see your doctor first before taking Vestmints to ensure you have a vestment related illness. He will take a stole sample and can give you the results immediately.
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."